Games - "Drama and Chaos"
Have you ever wondered
why some people go through life in a whirlwind of chaos, while everyone
else is just calmly getting on with life?
Things just seem
to "happen" to some people more than to others. They lurch
from one crisis to the next, often have more accidents or illnesses,
live hand to mouth, but never really get on top of life.
While most people
might experience life in small bite sized chunks (such as a grazed knee
or walking home because they missed the bus), there are those who seem
to get great big boulders of experience hurtled at them from out of
the blue. (Broken leg in plaster and hospitalised for weeks or missed
the bus, missed the appointment, didn't get the job, need a hand out
to pay the electric bill!)
However, they are
usually not alone in their chaos - just as hurricanes suck in anything
not firmly fixed to the ground, other people are often drawn into their
dramas and get caught up in the maelstrom.
Why does this
Is god picking on
them? Are they suffering "karma" for being "bad"
in a past life? Did they get short-changed in the birth day queue?
Or is there something
else that is compensating on a sub-conscious level for all the angst?
To understand what
is going on we need to stand far enough back from the dramas so that
we are able to see more clearly the patterns within the chaos and appreciate
what is really going on and what roles are being played in the unfolding
As in most games,
there are a number of players interacting - in this case all trying
to hang on to their own ball (or energy) and the one who collects the
most balls is the winner. However, the playing field is not level, there
may be more than one game going on at the same time, there are no pre-defined
teams and players may change sides as well as the rules whenever they
In the "Drama
and Chaos" game there is usually a central player around which
everything else revolves.
a Drama Queen, when things start to get unbalanced there is usually
a regularly occurring drama going on in their life and a continuous
set of players who are always on hand to help out with the latest crisis.
This may be a willing partner or friend, or just passing acquaintances,
but there is always a supply of help to take care of the kids, make
a loan till pay day, make allowances because they know they're going
through a bad time and generally pick up the pieces and sort out the
The energy game
can start through something simple and innocuous - such as asking others
the time because the queen doesn't have a watch/can't wear one/it's
broken. This already creates a precedent of supplying help in times
of need and at the same time is setting up possible excuses for the
next drama (being late and missing out) with reasons that point the
finger of responsibility somewhere else other than the queen eg "I
don't have a watch and you didn't remind me what time it is".
It is usually more
often a woman than a man who plays the Drama game - generations of stereo-typing
of men as big, tough and strong and women as helpless and needing protection
have put the triggers in place for this energy game to take place.However,
it is not exclusive to women, men sometimes opting for a variation called
"I'm Not Domesticated And Need A Good Woman" or
perhaps "Genius/Artist/Mad Scientist And Unaware of Earthly Realities".
However, let's not
think that there is just one big energy sucker at the middle of this
energy game - it wouldn't happen, if there were no other players.
For example alongside
the Drama Queen may be a "Stoic Wanting T.L.C", who will have
a circle of supporters to make up the energy losses from feeding the
Queen. Or, there could also be a number of "Doormats in the Making"
- friends and relatives who have a highly developed sense of responsibility
and caring and who are more than willing to jump in and deal with the
fall-out from the passing hurricane. There will also be an ongoing supply
of "Making Allowances" from lesser players, who will join
in the game for a while until all their generosity has been used up
and the realisation has dawned that they regularly get less out of the
relationship than they put in. These will drift in and out of the game,
as they get used up and new players are sought.
There is quite a
complex interaction of players going on - but there is one important
fact that maintains the dynamics of the game - there is one overall
direction of flow of energy, usually towards one person in the centre.
The person to whom "everything just happens" and to whom it
is "never their fault".
So, having recognised
that you're "in the game" what do you do to "get out
First of all, a
good test to see who is gaining and who is losing is to ask yourself
how you feel in relation to the other players. Overall, do you feel
drained, put upon, or used by them? Do you feel you gained from them?
Or does it feel balanced with equal give and take?
If you're a lesser
player, one of the "Making Allowances", then it depends on
how much credit you give them to start with, how quickly it runs out
or how soon you recognise the game. You can start by making all interactions
with them clear and not being pushed into "Making Allowances"
beyond what you deem to be reasonable. Be careful, as it is very easy
to go from "Making Allowances" to "Doormat in the Making"
and after saying NO it might cost you something by "Feeling Guilty".
Most likely at some point, you will decide that enough is enough and
just leave the game, feeling a bit short-changed but also a bit wiser
for the experience.
If you're a "Doormat
in the Making", you need to be very, very careful and start drawing
the line about how much help you are willing to give. You need to stop
being the prop so that the Queen can have an opportunity to learn to
take responsibility for their own actions. Teenagers are a good example
of this process - the average teenager leaves a trail of debris and
disorder around them, as they expect someone else to clean up after
them. It is also never their fault - "the dog ate my homework",
or "the alarm didn't go off", or "I don't know where
the vacuum's kept". But eventually they will leave home and have
to take responsibility for themselves, which means dealing with the
consequences of their actions and cleaning up their own mess. Most of
them will find it in themselves to do this, but of course there will
always be some who will find someone else to do it for them! So, for
your own sake you need to be clear about your own boundaries, so that
you don't become a doormat generally (and all the games that go along
with that position!).
If you're the "Drama
Queen" or the "Stoic Looking for T.L.C", then it's time
for a really long and hard look at how YOU interact with others
and to recognise what is going on around you.
It is also important
to understand that your own sub-conscious mind will create situations
around you that reinforce your thoughts and words. Start to evaluate
the words that you speak about yourself - do you put yourself down all
the time, do you expect bad things to happen, do you reinforce that
you can't cope with life or that you don't deserve anything better?
Self analysis is
one key to personal growth - and I mean be really, really honest with
yourself here - you can't tell yourself lies and expect your sub-conscious
not to be listening!
The other key is
self-love - if you don't love yourself, why do you expect others will?
We'll all go out
to eat food once in a while that someone else has cooked. However, energy
games are more akin to living off fast food and take-aways because we
never learned how to cook or because it seems easier than making our
own! We ultimately pay a big price for this approach - used up friendships,
lack of fulfilment, ill health and unachieved goals.
Eventually if you
realise that IF YOU LOVE YOURSELF AND YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF - YOU
DON'T NEED TO PLAY GAMES TO GET OTHER PEOPLE'S ENERGY.
And once you have
that recipe, you can keep on feeding yourself with a nourishing diet
that helps you to live long and prosper.
(J Hargreaves - 14th July 2003)
Energy Games: Drama and Chaos